I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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