Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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