I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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