I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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