not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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