so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize