Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
