That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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