the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
