After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
