apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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