Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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