i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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