The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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