My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
