There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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