I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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