I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I need a burrito and a hug.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
