I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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