Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
