I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
