I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
