I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
