when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
