Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
