I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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