my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
