I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
