Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
