I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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