We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
