This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
