if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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