According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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