3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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