she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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