it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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