Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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