does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's shark week go big or go home
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
