You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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