My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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