3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
