Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
