someone get that fucking seahorse.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
