I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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