he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
