I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
