I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
