I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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