did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize