flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
