Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
