You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
